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The chart below shows information about heart attacks by age and gender in USA.

The bar graph shows how many people they are with heart attacks categorised by gender and age in the USA per a year. The number of female with heart attacks aged 29-44 was just 3000 people. This is nearly zero compared to the men resulting 123, 000 people. Looking at age group from 45 to 64 in 2000, the number of women with heart attacks dramatically increased from 3000 to 136, 000. Similarly, the figure for men also considerately rose from 123, 000 to 424, 000. The figure for women with heart attacks went up sharply in the case of aging over 65 years old indicating 374, 000 people. The figure for men climb slightly from 424. 000 to 440, 000. To conclude, it is obvious that age has profound relationship with incidence of heart attacks.
The bar graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
they are with
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heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
Possible spelling mistake. ‘categorised’ is British English.
categorised
by gender and age in the USA per a year.

The number of female with
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heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
aged 29-44 was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
3000
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people
. This is
nearly
zero compared to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
resulting 123, 000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Looking at age group from 45 to 64 in 2000, the number of women with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
dramatically
increased from 3000 to 136, 000.
Similarly
, the figure for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
also
considerately
rose from 123, 000 to 424, 000. The figure for women with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
went up
sharply
in the case of aging over 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
indicating 374, 000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. The figure for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
climb
slightly
from 424. 000 to 440, 000.

To conclude
, it is obvious that age has profound relationship with incidence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attacks
.
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IELTS academic The chart below shows information about heart attacks by age and gender in USA.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
136 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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