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THE CHART BELOW SHOW THE INFORMATION ABOUT HEART ATTACKS BY AGES AND GENDERS IN CANADA.

THE CHART BELOW SHOW THE INFORMATION ABOUT HEART ATTACKS BY AGES AND GENDERS IN CANADA. GLag2
-THE BAR CHART ILLUSTRATES THE NUMBER OF HEART DISEASES OCCURS IN TWO GENDERS (MEN AND WOMEN) IN VARIOUS STAGES OF LIFE IN CANADA. THE UNITS ARE MEASURED IN THOUSANDS. OVERALL, THE WHITE HAIRED INDIVIDUALS IS THE HIGHEST NUMBER OF INDIVIDUALS SUFFERS FROM HEART ATTACK WHEREAS, THE PEOPLE BETWEEN 29- 44 YEAR HAS THE LEAST DIGITS OF PATIENTS REGARDLESS OF DIFFERENT GENDERS. IT CAN BE CLEARLY SEEN THAT, EVERY YEAR THE YOUNG MALES ATTAIN HEART ISSUES IS ACCOUNTED FOR 130, 000 WHILE, THE FEMALES IS 2000. WHICH IS NEGLIGIBLE AMOUNTAND CAN BE SEEN IN PEOPLE AGE BETWEEN 29-44. WUTH REGARD TO MID AGED INDIIVUDALS, THE NUMBER OF MENS RISES DRASTICALLY TO 400, 000. THE BAR CHART FURTHER COLATTE THAT, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE NUMBER OF HEART ATTACKS IN CASE OF WOMENS WHO BELONG 44-64 AND 65+ IS AROUND DOUBLED WITH 175, 000 AND 350, 000 RESPECTIVELY. SURPRISINGLY, MOSTLY THE MALES EXPERIENCED HEART ATTACKS OF 420, 000 WHICH IS HIGHER AS COMPARD TO OTHER AGE GROUPS.
-THE BAR CHART ILLUSTRATES THE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
NUMBER
OF
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HEART
DISEASES OCCURS IN TWO GENDERS (
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
MEN
AND WOMEN) IN VARIOUS STAGES OF LIFE IN CANADA. THE UNITS
ARE MEASURED
IN THOUSANDS.

OVERALL
, THE WHITE HAIRED INDIVIDUALS IS THE HIGHEST
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
NUMBER
OF INDIVIDUALS SUFFERS FROM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HEART
ATTACK WHEREAS, THE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
PEOPLE
BETWEEN
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
29- 44
YEAR HAS THE LEAST DIGITS OF PATIENTS REGARDLESS OF
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DIFFERENT
GENDERS.

IT CAN BE
CLEARLY
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
SEEN
THAT, EVERY YEAR THE YOUNG MALES ATTAIN
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HEART
ISSUES
IS ACCOUNTED
FOR 130, 000 WHILE, THE FEMALES IS 2000. WHICH IS NEGLIGIBLE
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AMOUNTAND
CAN BE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
SEEN
IN
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PEOPLE
AGE BETWEEN 29-44.
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WUTH
REGARD TO MID AGED
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INDIIVUDALS
, THE
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NUMBER
OF
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MENS
RISES
DRASTICALLY
TO 400, 000. THE BAR CHART
FURTHER
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COLATTE
THAT, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE
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NUMBER
OF
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HEART
ATTACKS IN CASE OF
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WOMENS
WHO BELONG 44-64 AND 65+ IS AROUND DOUBLED WITH 175, 000 AND 350, 000
RESPECTIVELY
.
SURPRISINGLY
,
MOSTLY
THE MALES EXPERIENCED
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HEART
ATTACKS OF 420, 000 WHICH IS HIGHER
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
AS
Possible spelling mistake found.
COMPARD
TO OTHER AGE GROUPS.
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IELTS academic THE CHART BELOW SHOW THE INFORMATION ABOUT HEART ATTACKS BY AGES AND GENDERS IN CANADA.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
164 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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