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The bar graph show the percentage of employment rate of male and female in three Nation from 2005 to 2015.

The bar graph show the percentage of employment rate of male and female in three Nation from 2005 to 2015. 1nORW
The comparison of a employment rate of both gender in three Nation named as Canada, South Korea and Sweden in 2005 and 2015 year is depicted by the rendered bar graph. The data has been calibrated in the percentage. overall, it can be observed that the ratio of the males employees were higher than female throughout the given period in three countries. To begin with, in 2005 the men employment rate of 60%, which was two hold higher from women employment in Canada. While, there was massive increase in Canadian females employees to over half in 2016. Whereas, males worker rate increase slightly by one tenth after a decade. Moving towards South Korea job seeker ratio it was displayed that males employment percentage approximately 40% more than female worker rate in the both years. After that, it is interesting to see that the proportion of man client were felt to 70% in 2015 from About 80 % in 2005. On the contrast, the number of female in Sweden of below half in 2005, which rose to 50% after 10 years.
The comparison of
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
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employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of both gender in three
Possible agreement error. The noun 'Nation' seems to be countable, so consider using: "Nations".
Nation
named as Canada, South Korea and Sweden in 2005 and 2015 year
is depicted
by the rendered bar graph. The data has
been calibrated
in the percentage.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
overall
, it can
be observed
that the ratio of the males employees were higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
throughout the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period in three countries. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in 2005 the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of 60%, which was two hold higher from women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
in Canada.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, there was massive increase in Canadian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
employees to over half in 2016. Whereas, males worker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
increase
slightly
by one tenth after a decade. Moving towards South Korea job seeker ratio it
was displayed
that
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "males'" or "male's", "malis's"?
males
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
percentage approximately 40% more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
worker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in the both years. After that, it is interesting to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
client
were felt
to 70% in 2015 from About 80 % in 2005. On the contrast, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
in Sweden of below half in 2005, which rose to 50% after 10 years.

IELTS academic The bar graph show the percentage of employment rate of male and female in three Nation from 2005 to 2015.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
180 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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