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the bar graph show the information about percentage of part time worker

the bar graph show the information about percentage of part time worker gYrgg
The bar graph depicts the information about the percentage of part-time workers in four country of United Kingdom between in 1980 and 2010 Overall, the maximum percentage of part-time workers in wales country of United Kingdom in both years. To Start with, in 1980, 25% of people in England who work part-time job and the only one country with greatest percentage of part time workers was wales, around just 31%. Scotland had the smallest percentage of part-time workers in same year. With just over ten percent. Northern Ireland percentage of part-time jobs around 15%. Furthermore, in 2010, 33% of people in wales who were greatest proportion and at least percentage of part-time workers in Northern Ireland with amount only 11%. In Scotland and England both percentage of part-time workers approximately 20% and 31% respectively.
The bar graph depicts the information about the
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percentage
of part-time
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workers
in four country
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the United Kingdom".
of United Kingdom
between in 1980 and 2010

Overall
, the maximum
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percentage
of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in wales country
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the United Kingdom".
of United Kingdom
in both years.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Start
with, in 1980, 25% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in England who work part-time job and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one country with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the greatest".
greatest
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percentage
of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
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workers
was wales, around
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just
31%. Scotland had the smallest
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percentage
of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in same year. With
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over ten percent. Northern Ireland
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percentage
of part-time jobs around 15%.

Furthermore
, in 2010, 33% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in wales who were
A determiner is probably missing here: "the greatest".
greatest
proportion and at least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in Northern Ireland with amount
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
11%. In Scotland and England both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
approximately 20% and 31%
respectively
.

IELTS academic the bar graph show the information about percentage of part time worker

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
134 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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