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The bar charts show the number of foreign students enrolled on two music production courses at a college in Scotland. v.1

The bar charts show the number of foreign students enrolled on two music production courses at a college in Scotland. v. 1
The presented charts depict a number of male and female international students from five different countries registered on two music production courses (MP1 and MT1) at a single college in Scotland. Overall, among the five countries, much more Swiss students enrolled in both courses while Turkish students are the least enrollees. It is clear that a significant majority of the enrolled students on MP1 are male. In total, there are 21 male students and 9 female students enrolled the course. Most takers are from Switzerland with 9 students, followed by Portugal and Finland with 7 and 6 students respectively. However, the minority of overseas students joined the course are Belgians and Turkish, with only 4 each nationality. On the other hand, students enrolled on MT1 are mostly female. Similarly, the number of Swiss students is much greater than other nationalities, with 7 females and 1 male. An almost identical trend can be considered with Belgians, Finnish and Portuguese students with 6 females and 1 male, 5 females and 1 male, and 3 females and 2 male students respectively. Turkey only contributes 1 male to the course, with no female enrollee.
The presented charts depict a number of male and
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female
international
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students
from five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries registered on two music production
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courses
(MP1 and MT1) at a single college in Scotland.
Overall
, among the five countries, much more Swiss
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students
enrolled in both
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courses
while Turkish
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students
are the least
Possible spelling mistake found.
enrollees
.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that a significant majority of the enrolled
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students
on MP1 are male. In total, there are 21 male
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students
and 9
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enrolled the
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course
. Most takers are from Switzerland with 9
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students
, followed by Portugal and Finland with 7 and 6
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students
respectively
.
However
, the minority of overseas
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students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the
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course
are Belgians and Turkish, with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
4 each nationality.

On the other hand
,
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students
enrolled on MT1 are
mostly
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female
.
Similarly
, the number of Swiss
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students
is much greater than other nationalities, with 7
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females
and 1 male. An almost identical trend can
be considered
with Belgians, Finnish and Portuguese
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students
with 6
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females
and 1 male, 5
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females
and 1 male, and 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
and 2 male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
respectively
. Turkey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
contributes 1 male to the
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course
, with no
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female
Possible spelling mistake found.
enrollee
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS academic The bar charts show the number of foreign students enrolled on two music production courses at a college in Scotland. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
190 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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