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the bar chart of female and male rates

the bar chart of female and male rates wx713
The chart represents changes in the occupation rates of female and male members in three different countries, namely Canada, South Korea, and Sweden between 2005 and 2015. Overall, it can be seen that there were major falls in work rates in all countries, although some countries in the region have much higher employment rates than others. By the year 2005, the figures had reached over 75% in Sweden, which registered similar rates to South Korea at under 5% per male. In Canada, the proportion of male employees rose to around 70% of the population. In comparison with men, woman of the same time had lower success rates. From 2005 to 2015, there was an increase in the numbers of females than of males. The most notable changes were in two nations, which already had lower rates of female employment at the beginning of the ten-year period, Canada and Sweden. The figures for Canada and Sweden were higher, more than two fifths respectively. The trend goes up over the past ten years. According to the data, South Korea and Canada had a very large majority rate of male employment in 2015. It plummeted to its highest point with just over 70%.
The chart represents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in the occupation
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rates
of female and male members in three
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different
countries,
namely
Canada, South Korea, and Sweden between 2005 and 2015.
Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that there were major falls in work
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rates
in all countries, although
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some
countries in the region have much higher employment
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rates
than others.

By the year 2005, the figures had reached over 75% in Sweden, which registered similar
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rates
to South Korea at under 5% per male. In Canada, the proportion of male employees rose to around 70% of the population.
In comparison
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, woman of the same time had lower success rates.

From 2005 to 2015, there was an increase in the numbers of females than of males.

The most notable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
were in two nations, which already had lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
of female employment at the beginning of the ten-year period, Canada and Sweden.

The figures for Canada and Sweden were higher, more than two fifths
respectively
.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
trend goes up over the past ten years. According to the data, South Korea and Canada had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
large majority
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rate
of male employment in 2015. It plummeted to its highest point with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 70%.

IELTS academic the bar chart of female and male rates

Academic
  American English
6 paragraphs
200 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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