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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of students between 5 and 14 years old participated in 4 Australian activities and sports

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of students between 5 and 14 years old participated in 4 Australian activities and sports x8aJg
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of students between 5 and 14 years old who participated in 4 Australian activities and sports named drama, dancing, singing, and playing music in 2003. Overall, it can be seen from the chart that at the top position was how much girls danced, while boys joined in drama and singing as popular as girls did. Whereas 5 percent of girls took part in a drama, the rate of boys joining in this activities considerably lower around 4%. The highest percentage of girls taking part in dancing that 5 times than that of boys at 25% and nearly 5% respectively. Similarly, in drama, the proportion of boys and girls participating in singing were almost the same at around 5 percent. On the other hand, only play musicals which the percentage of boys joining in were bigger than girls did. As many as 15% of boys preferred playing musicals in comparison to 10% of girls.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of students between 5 and 14 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
who participated in 4 Australian activities and sports named
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drama
, dancing, singing, and playing music in 2003.
Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart that at the top position was how much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
danced, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drama
and singing as popular as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
did.

Whereas 5 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drama
, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
joining in
Did you mean "these"?
this
activities
considerably
lower around 4%. The highest percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
taking part in dancing that 5
Use "(times)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
times
than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
at 25% and
nearly
5%
respectively
.
Similarly
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drama
, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
participating in singing were almost the same at around 5 percent.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
play musicals which the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
joining in were bigger than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
did. As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as 15% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
preferred playing musicals
in comparison
to 10% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
.
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IELTS academic The bar chart illustrates the proportion of students between 5 and 14 years old participated in 4 Australian activities and sports

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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