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the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010

the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010 2bbnw
The chart depicts the proportion of Australian’s residents divided into genders of 5 main age groups that did exercise in the year of 2010. Overall, it seems that the number of women took part in corporal activities exceeded that of men on average despite the differs of group in terms of age. At first, it could be seen that mostly male participated usual exercises when they were 15 to 24 year-old, at 52. 8% while the figures for female reached its summon in the age of 45 and 54, higher than that of men by about 0. 5 per cent, at 53. 3%. Continuing with the group of men gender who did least activities, it was between 35 and 44 years old, accounted for nearly two-thirds of the whole segments whereas for women, only by the age of retiring did they join in fewer regular exercises, at nearly a half of the total percentage and higher than that of male by 20%. Moving on to the other categories, that of Australian women whose age was from 15 to 24 bore a close resemblance to the statistics shown for those aged from 65 and so on. In addition, it seemed that in general, comparing with the other groups, the percentage of dwellers between 25 and 34 years old witnessed only small amount, at 42. 2 percent for male and 48. 9 percent for the other sex, following by great changes looking at participants aged 35 to 4c and to whom were about 45 and 54 year-old, the proportion of women engaging in strengthening themselves tended to take over the numbers represented male, which also occurred in the rest older groups.
The chart depicts the proportion of Australian’s residents divided into genders of 5 main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
that did exercise in the year of 2010.
Overall
, it seems that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
took part
in corporal activities exceeded that of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
on average despite the differs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
in terms of age.

At
first
, it could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
mostly
male participated usual exercises when they were 15 to 24 year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, at 52. 8% while the figures for female reached its summon in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 45 and 54, higher than that of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
by about 0. 5 per cent, at 53. 3%. Continuing with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "genders"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'gender' is not always incorrect.)
gender
who did
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
activities, it was between 35 and 44 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, accounted for
nearly
two-thirds of the whole segments whereas for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retiring did they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in fewer regular exercises, at
nearly
a half of the total percentage and higher than that of male by 20%.

Moving on to the other categories, that of Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
was from 15 to 24 bore a close resemblance to the statistics shown for those aged from 65 and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
In addition
, it seemed that
in general
, comparing with the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
, the percentage of dwellers between 25 and 34 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
witnessed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount, at 42. 2 percent for male and 48. 9 percent for the other sex, following by great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
looking at participants aged 35 to 4c and to whom were about 45 and 54 year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
engaging in strengthening themselves tended to take over the numbers represented male, which
also
occurred in the rest older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
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IELTS academic the bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
279 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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