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The bar chart below gives information about four countries spending habits of shopping on consumer goods in 2012. v.2

The bar chart below gives information about four countries spending habits of shopping on consumer goods in 2012. v. 2
The vertical bar chart depicts the spending patterns of Belgians, Spaniards, Austrians and Brits on six commodities in 2012. Overall, Brits spent higher amount for purchasing these goods while books, toys and cameras cost these nations higher than gaming consoles, outdoor gaming accessories and cosmetics did. As the data suggests, British spend just over 155 thousand pound sterling on console games in 2012 while other three nations spent between 145 to 150 thousand each. To buy outdoor sports equipment, English disbursed roughly 156 thousand, a close tie with that of Spaniards' spending. Austrians spent the lowest to have such accessories in this year. Moving further, people in Belgium and Austria purchased around 145 thousand pound's of cosmetics while this amount in Spain and Britain was roughly 10 and 15 thousand higher. It is worth noticing that Brits spent the highest amount to own these items in 2012 and their greater ratio of expense accounted for purchasing toys and cameras. Books cost more than 160 thousand to English while it was lowest for Belgians, somewhat 15 thousand less. These nations interest in owning toys and cameras showed a similar pattern and Austrians preferred spending for cameras more than they did for toys. British spend between 167 to 170 thousand for each of these two products and Austrian spent the least, approximately 145 thousand pound sterling.
The vertical bar chart depicts the spending patterns of Belgians, Spaniards, Austrians and Brits on six commodities in 2012.
Overall
, Brits
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spent
higher amount for purchasing these
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goods
while books,
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toys
and
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cameras
cost these nations higher than gaming consoles, outdoor gaming accessories and cosmetics did.

As the data suggests, British spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 155 thousand pound sterling on console games in 2012 while other three nations
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spent
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 145 and 150".
between 145 to 150
thousand each. To
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buy
outdoor sports equipment, English disbursed roughly 156 thousand, a close tie with that of Spaniards' spending. Austrians
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spent
the lowest to have such accessories in this year.

Moving
further
,
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people
in Belgium and Austria
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purchased
around 145 thousand
The possessive apostrophe seems to be incorrect. Please remove the apostrophe if you want to use the plural form of 'pound'.
pound's
of cosmetics while this amount in Spain and Britain was roughly 10 and 15 thousand higher. It is worth noticing that Brits
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spent
the highest amount to
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own
these items in 2012 and their greater ratio of expense accounted for purchasing
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toys
and
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cameras
. Books cost more than 160 thousand to English while it was lowest for Belgians, somewhat 15 thousand less.

These nations interest in owning
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toys
and
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cameras
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showed
a similar pattern and Austrians preferred spending for
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cameras
more than they did for
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toys
. British spend
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 167 and 170".
between 167 to 170
thousand for each of these two products and Austrian
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spent
the least, approximately 145 thousand pound sterling.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
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IELTS academic The bar chart below gives information about four countries spending habits of shopping on consumer goods in 2012. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
224 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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