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The above two chart depicts the rate of employment in three different countries from the three different continents which are Canada from North America, South Korea from Asia and Sweden from Europe.

The above two chart depicts the rate of employment in three different countries from the three different continents which are Canada from North America, South Korea from Asia and Sweden from Europe. The given two charts compare the rate of employment among these countries in two different time frame i. e. 2005 and 2015 and one more important thing to notice is that data of employment rate in these charts are give gender wise. The one thing that strikes the mind immediately is that rate of employment in males are quite higher than females in all countries and in both time frame. In Canada 62% of males are employed in 2005 in comparison to the 35% employment rate in females. Canadian policy makers has to be appreciated because they have successfully lowers the gap between employment rate of both the genders in 2015. In the second chart of 2015 we can clearly sew that 55% of females are employed in Canada in comparison to the 70% of employment rate in male. When we look at the South Korea in 2005 75% of males are employed in comparison to the 30% employment rate in females and nothing has changed much in 2015 as we'll when it comes to the proportion of male and female population employed. In 2015 75% of male population are employed and 30% for the female population. Sweden has done a quite remarkable job when it comes to the female employment rate I'm saying this on the basis of second chart where we can clearly see that female employment rate has increased from 35% in 2005 to 45% in 2015 and male employment rate has decreased from 75% in 2005 to 65% in 2015. This is quite an achievement.
The above two
Possible agreement error. The noun ‘chart’ seems to be countable, so consider using: “charts”.
chart
depicts the
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rate
of
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employment
in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries from the three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
continents which are Canada from North America, South Korea from Asia and Sweden from Europe. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
two
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charts
compare the
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rate
of
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employment
among these countries in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
time frame
There should be no space here: “i.e.”.
i. e.
2005 and 2015 and one more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing to notice is that data of
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employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in these
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charts
are give gender wise.

The one thing that strikes the mind immediately is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
in
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males
are quite higher than
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females
in all countries and in both time frame.

In Canada 62% of
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males
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
in 2005
in comparison
to the 35%
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employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in
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females
. Canadian
This noun is normally spelled as one word.
policy makers
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has to
be appreciated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have
successfully
The verb “lowers” seems to be incorrect here. Did you mean “lowered”, “been lowering” or “to lower”?
lowers
the gap between
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employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of both the genders in 2015. In the second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
of 2015 we can
clearly
sew that 55% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
in Canada
in comparison
to the 70% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in male.

When we look at the South Korea in 2005 75% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
in comparison
to the 30%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in
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females
and nothing has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
much in 2015 as we'll when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the proportion of male and
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female
population
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employed
. In 2015 75% of male population are
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employed
and 30% for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
population.

Sweden has done a quite remarkable job when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
I'm saying this on the basis of second
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chart
where we can
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
has increased from 35% in 2005 to 45% in 2015 and male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
has decreased from 75% in 2005 to 65% in 2015. This is quite an achievement.
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IELTS academic The above two chart depicts the rate of employment in three different countries from the three different continents which are Canada from North America, South Korea from Asia and Sweden from Europe.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
291 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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