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talk about the total number of visitors to the museum before and after the refurbishmnet

talk about the total number of visitors to the museum before and after the refurbishmnet 06DG5
The figures depict the numbers of visitors to Ashdown museum during two different periods, and the pie charts illustrate the visitors’ opinions about the place before and after the refurbishing. It is clear from the graph that, the total figure to the museum increased sharply from 74000 to 92000 after refurbishment. According to what is shown in the pie charts, during the year before the refurbishment, 40 percent of people felt dissatisfied which declined later to 15 percent. Moreover, the proportion of visitors who found the museum satisfying was 30 percent, then went up slightly to 40 percent. The lowest percentages were for the people who have had no response at 5 percent which remained unchanged after the refurbishment. Furthermore, the very dissatisfied visitors in the first and the second periods accounted for 10 percent and 5 percent respectively. Finally, very satisfied people with their visit to the museum constituted 15 percent before, then uplifted rapidly as it reached 35 per cent after the refurbishment. To sum up, we could say that, the refurbishment had integral impact on the number of visitors to the museum.
The figures depict the numbers of
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visitors
to
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Ashdown
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museum
during two
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different
periods, and the pie charts illustrate the
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visitors’
opinions about the place
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
and after the refurbishing. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the graph that, the total figure to the
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museum
increased
sharply
from 74000 to 92000 after
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refurbishment
. According to what
is shown
in the pie charts, during the year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
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refurbishment
, 40
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percent
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
felt dissatisfied which declined later to 15
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percent
.
Moreover
, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
who found the
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museum
satisfying was 30
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percent
, then went up
slightly
to 40
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percent
. The lowest percentages were for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have had no response at 5
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percent
which remained unchanged after the
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refurbishment
.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
dissatisfied
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visitors
in the
first
and the second periods accounted for 10
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percent
and 5
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percent
respectively
.
Finally
,
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very
satisfied
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with their visit to the
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museum
constituted 15
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percent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, then uplifted
rapidly
as it reached 35 per cent after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refurbishment
. To sum up, we could say that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refurbishment
had integral impact on the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visitors
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
.
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IELTS academic talk about the total number of visitors to the museum before and after the refurbishmnet

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
185 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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