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Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for examples working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for examples working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 2
Community service is, I firmly believe, an essential part of every modern society, either in developed countries or developing ones. The question, however, is whether unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high schools programs or not. Despite popular belief, I am, to a huge extent, an advocate of the latter approach. Granted, students in a secondary schools are struggle with a wide range of subjects and lessons which is need a bulk of time in order to acquire and memorize it as well. Hence, if they want to overcome all these lessons and learn them, they should make a great schedule and use their time efficiency and do not waste even a second in this important span. Furthermore, there are more important factors than community service with students should spend time on it such as sport classes. These days all students tend to secondary life style, therefore it makes a numerous negative effect on their health and triggers a number of diseases like an obesity, hence instead of community service, students should care more about their health quality and do exercises in order to hence their health. On the other hand, unpaid community service works give a great chance to students to realize their skills and interests which assist them to find a job that suitable with their talents. Moreover, students can increase their experiences in different situation and learn how to predict the situation that may be face in workplace, also how put an end on obstacles in a short period of time wisely. Secondly, students can improve their CV which directly influence their future due to the fact that if you have a great resume, absolutely you will find appropriate occupation. All things considered, although community service bring a number of blessings for students, I whole heartedly contend that there are more factors in secondary schools outweigh and outnumber community service, particularly in terms of studying time and health care.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
is, I
firmly
believe, an essential part of every modern society, either in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
or developing ones. The question,
however
, is whether unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
should be a compulsory part of high schools programs or not. Despite popular belief, I am, to a huge extent, an advocate of the latter approach.

Granted,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in a secondary
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "school"?
schools
are struggle with a wide range of subjects and lessons which
is need
a bulk of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in order to acquire and memorize it
as well
.
Hence
, if they want to overcome all these lessons and learn them, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a great schedule and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
efficiency and do not waste even a second in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
span.
Furthermore
, there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on it such as sport classes. These days all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
tend to secondary life style,
therefore
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on their health and triggers a number of diseases like an obesity,
hence
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should care more about their health quality and do exercises in order to
hence
their health.

On the other hand
, unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
works give a great chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to realize their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and interests which assist them to find a job that suitable with their talents.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can increase their experiences in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situation and learn how to predict the situation that may be face in workplace,
also
how put an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
on obstacles in a short period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wisely
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their CV which
directly
influence their future due to the fact that if you have a great resume,
absolutely
you will find appropriate occupation.

All things considered, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
bring a number of blessings for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, I whole
heartedly
contend that there are more factors in secondary schools outweigh and outnumber
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
,
particularly
in terms of studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and health care.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS academic Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for examples working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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