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shares of online shopping sales in New Zealand

shares of online shopping sales in New Zealand pRP5d
The pie charts illustrate the shares of online shopping sales in New Zealand enggaged in four distinct retail sectors: travel, film/music, books, and clothes between 2003 and 2013. Overall, it can be obviously seen that books sector was always surpassed by travel and film/music, yet over the following period, the greatest change was film/music. By far, in 2003, the largest proportion of online sales was occupied by travel with 36%, followed by clothes and film/music, accounting for 24 percent and 21 percent respectively. The opposite was experienced in books sector, representing only 19 percent. A closer look at the pie charts show a dramatic increase of the share from 21 percent to 33 percent, film/music had accounted for the largest amount of sales, while books sector increased slighty by 3 percent. On the other hand, those of sales for travel and clothes sector had declined to 29 percent and 16 percent respectively.
The pie charts illustrate the shares of online shopping
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sales
in New Zealand
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enggaged
in four distinct retail
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sectors
:
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travel
, film/music,
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books
, and clothes between 2003 and 2013.
Overall
, it can be
obviously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
was always surpassed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
and film/music,
yet
over the following period, the greatest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
was film/music.

By far, in 2003, the largest proportion of online
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sales
was occupied
by
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travel
with 36%, followed by clothes and film/music, accounting for 24
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percent
and 21
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percent
respectively
. The opposite
was experienced
in
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books
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, representing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
19 percent.

A closer look at the pie charts
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show
a dramatic increase of the share from 21
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percent
to 33
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percent
, film/music had accounted for the largest amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
increased
Possible spelling mistake found.
slighty
by 3
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percent
.
On the other hand
, those of
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sales
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
and clothes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
had declined to 29
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percent
and 16
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
respectively
.
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IELTS academic shares of online shopping sales in New Zealand

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
152 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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