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Rates of Smoking Men and Women in Someland

Rates of Smoking Men and Women in Someland gAkLl
The line graph illustrates the information about the smoking rates of men and women in Some land from 1960 to 2000. It can be clearly seen that the smoking rate of men gradually reduced over the period, while; women had an upward trend to smoke, but it slightly dropped after a short period. In 1960, men smoked more than women at approximately 600 people out of 1000. At the same time, women smoke rate was at around 100 people. However, men smoking line had decreased continuously and steadily since 1965. In contrast, women trended to smoke more than before as the rate in 1965 rose to around 200 and to over 300 in 1975. Women smoked less since 1985 nevertheless, and the rate had a steady reduction from the year of 1985 to 2000. In conclusion, the graph indicates the smoking rates of people in Some land which declined to no more than 300 in the last period.
The line graph illustrates the information about the
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smoking
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rates
of
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men
and
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women
in
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Some
land from 1960 to 2000. It can be
clearly
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seen
that the
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smoking
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rate
of
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men
gradually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
over the period, while;
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women
had an upward trend to smoke,
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but
it
slightly
dropped after a short period. In 1960,
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men
smoked more than
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women
at approximately 600
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people
out of 1000. At the same time,
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women
smoke
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rate
was at around 100
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
However
,
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men
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smoking
line had decreased
continuously
and
steadily
since 1965.
In contrast
,
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women
trended to smoke more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
as the
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rate
in 1965 rose to around 200 and to over 300 in 1975.
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Women
smoked less since 1985
nevertheless
, and the
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rate
had a steady reduction from the year of 1985 to 2000.
In conclusion
, the graph indicates the
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smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
land which declined to no more than 300 in the last period.
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IELTS academic Rates of Smoking Men and Women in Someland

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
158 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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