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rate of men and women who smoke

rate of men and women who smoke 0pJa1
Over the past 40 years, the rate of smoking between men and women is mentioned in the below line chart. Overall, the population of men in the year 1960 were smoking 6 times more than the women whereas, in the year 2000 the men and women who smoke are approximately equal. As we can see, the population of men who smoke has gradually decreased from an astounding 600 per 1000 people to approximately 200 per 1000 in the last 40 years. However, the change was very gradual until 1985 then there was a steep decline in the smokers who were men. Whereas, the population of women who smoke was gradually increasing from the year 1960 to 1965. However, there is a slight decline from the year 1975 to 2000. It was at a constant number from the year 1975 to 1980 and there was little to no change in the year 1995 to 2000.
Over the past 40 years, the rate of smoking between
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men
and
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women
is mentioned
in the below line chart.

Overall
, the population of
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men
in the
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year
1960 were smoking 6 times more than the
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women
whereas, in the
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year
2000 the
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men
and
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women
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who
smoke are approximately equal.

As we can
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see
, the population of
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men
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who
smoke has
gradually
decreased from an astounding 600 per 1000
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people
to approximately 200 per 1000 in the last 40 years.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
was
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very
gradual until 1985 then there was a steep decline in the smokers
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who
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the population of
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women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
smoke was
gradually
increasing from the
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year
1960 to 1965.
However
, there is a slight decline from the
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year
1975 to 2000. It was at a constant number from the
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year
1975 to 1980 and there was
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little
to no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the
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year
1995 to 2000.
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IELTS academic rate of men and women who smoke

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
154 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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