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proportion of population aged 65 and over

proportion of population aged 65 and over Kma3
The line graph displays the percentage of the population aged 65 and above in three various countries(America, Sweden, and Japan) over a decade(1940 to 2040). Overall, there was an upward trend in the percentage of people in the respective countries over the period of time, and the graph represents that there will be a large proportion of people from Japan and the least from America in the future. First of all, the percentage of the population was at the least during 1940 in America(9%) and Sweden(7%), whereas it was the least for Japan(3%) in 1960 which was reduced by two percent from 1940. While from 1960 to the 1980s it was stable in Japan, but there was a surge from 1940 to 1980s in America by six percent and in Sweden, it was doubled. And it has to be noted that there was a stability in the percentage in America from 2000 to 2020 as after it was reduced by a percent from 1980. Meanwhile, it can be observed that from the 1980s to the 2020s there was a fluctuation in the percentage of Sweden, whereas it has been raised by six percent in Japan. The graph suggests that the population percentage will be increasing by 2040 as Japan would have the highest proportion(approximately 27%), America at least(around 23%), and Sweden in between(25%).
The line graph displays the
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percentage
of the population aged 65 and above in three various countries(America, Sweden, and
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Japan)
over a decade(1940 to 2040).

Overall
, there was an upward trend in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the respective countries over the period of time, and the graph represents that there will be a large proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
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Japan
and the least from America in the future.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of the population was at the least during 1940 in America(9%) and Sweden(7%), whereas it was the least for
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Japan(3%)
in 1960 which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
from 1940. While from 1960 to the 1980s it was stable in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there was a surge from 1940 to 1980s in America by six
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percent
and in Sweden, it
was doubled
. And it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be noted
that there was a stability in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
in America from 2000 to 2020 as after it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
from 1980.

Meanwhile, it can
be observed
that from the 1980s to the 2020s there was a fluctuation in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of Sweden, whereas it has
been raised
by six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
. The graph suggests that the population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
will be increasing by 2040 as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
would have the highest proportion(approximately 27%), America at least(around 23%), and Sweden in between(25%).
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IELTS academic proportion of population aged 65 and over

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
223 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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