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proportion of aged 65 and over population from 1940 to 2040

proportion of aged 65 and over population from 1940 to 2040 YwWEr
The aforementioned line graph depicts the proportion of population aged 65 and over. Taking an overview a record has been made for three different countries, from year 1940 to 2040. To begin, as far as the percentage population of elderly people in Japan is concerned, in 1940 from 5% it declined to 2. 5% till year 1990. However, a decade later it slightly rose to approximately 8%. As projected in the graph Japan will have the highest percentage of aged population, among three countries over 25%. Furthermore, according to graph the percentage of aged people in Sweden surged around 7% to 12% from year 1940 to 1980. Although, two decade later it started to increase up to 20% and estimated to surge at 25% in year 2040. Lastly, regarding USA the proportion of aged people was higher than Sweden and Japan about 9% in 1940. Moreover, it reached to 15% in 1980 and had a feeble fall till 2020. As forecasted in a chart, percentage of elder population will augment to approx 22% by 2040. In summary, as far as the synopsis is concerned, it is elucidated that the proportion of aged population of 65 and above will be, highest above 25% in Japan in year 2040. However, for USA and Sweden it will remain below 25%.
The aforementioned line graph depicts the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
65 and over. Taking an overview a record has
been made
for three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries, from
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year
1940 to 2040.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, as far as the
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percentage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
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Japan
is concerned
, in 1940 from 5% it declined to 2. 5% till
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1990.
However
, a decade later it
slightly
rose to approximately 8%. As projected in the graph
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Japan
will have the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
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aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
, among three countries over 25%.

Furthermore
, according to graph the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Sweden surged around 7% to 12% from
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year
1940 to 1980. Although, two
Possible agreement error. The noun 'decade' seems to be countable, so consider using: "decades".
decade
later it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to increase up to 20% and estimated to surge at 25% in
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year
2040.

Lastly
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "regarding the USA".
regarding USA
the proportion of
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aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
was higher than Sweden and
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Japan
about 9% in 1940.
Moreover
, it reached to 15% in 1980 and had a feeble fall till 2020. As forecasted in a chart,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
will augment to approx 22% by 2040.

In summary, as far as the synopsis
is concerned
, it
is elucidated
that the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of 65 and above will be,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
above 25% in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2040.
However
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "for the USA".
for USA
and Sweden it will remain below 25%.

IELTS academic proportion of aged 65 and over population from 1940 to 2040

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
217 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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