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pie charts delineate the proportion of electricity used in distinct areas of Eastern Australia over the course of three years starting in 2007.

pie charts delineate the proportion of electricity used in distinct areas of Eastern Australia over the course of three years starting in 2007. wOY8l
The provided pie charts delineate the proportion of electricity used in distinct areas of Eastern Australia over the course of three years starting in 2007. Overview, it can be observed that the rate of electrical consumption of residents, advertisement, farming, mining and commuting has shown no sign to transform. While the others have undergone a dramatic change. When it comes to the untouched sections, both years, the ratio of consumed electricity in inhabitants, promoting, agriculture, mining and transportation are 28%, 23%, 1%, 9%, and 1% respectively. In contrast, the percentage of electricity utilized by aluminium made up 13% in 2007, but three years later, it decreased down to 11%. Besides, the figure for producing took up 13% in 2007, nevertheless, over three years, it fell at 4%. Last but not least, the quantity of electrical usage in other metals in the first year of the period contributed 12%, however that of other metals was 18% in the last year.
The provided pie charts delineate the proportion of electricity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in distinct areas of Eastern Australia over the course of three years starting in 2007.

Overview, it can
be observed
that the rate of electrical consumption of residents, advertisement, farming, mining and commuting has shown no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
to transform.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the others have undergone a dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the untouched sections, both years, the ratio of consumed electricity in inhabitants, promoting, agriculture, mining and transportation are 28%, 23%, 1%, 9%, and 1%
respectively
.

In contrast
, the percentage of electricity utilized by
Possible spelling mistake. 'aluminium' is British English.
aluminium
made up 13% in 2007,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
three years later, it decreased down to 11%.
Besides
, the figure for producing took up 13% in 2007,
nevertheless
, over three years, it fell at 4%. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, the quantity of electrical usage in other metals in the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of the period contributed 12%,
however
that of other metals was 18% in the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.

IELTS academic pie charts delineate the proportion of electricity used in distinct areas of Eastern Australia over the course of three years starting in 2007.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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