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percentage of workforce in each industry

percentage of workforce in each industry J3BQa
The bar chart below illustrates the proportion of labor force dividing by five main fields in UK in the years 1841 and 2011. It was clear that the percentage of workforce in both services and constructions increased in the 70 years period while the employment rate in manufacturing, agriculture, and energy dropped. In 1841, manufacturing was the most popular job, which was about 36%. Services and agriculture industries were also popular, When it came to 2011, services became the dominant job. The percentage of workers who worked in services exceeded 80%. There was also an increase in construction
The bar chart below illustrates the proportion of labor force dividing by five main fields in UK in the years 1841 and 2011.

It was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the percentage of workforce in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
and constructions increased in the 70 years period while the employment rate in manufacturing, agriculture, and energy dropped.

In 1841, manufacturing was the most popular job, which was about 36%.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Services
and agriculture industries were
also
popular,

When it came to 2011,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
became the dominant job. The percentage of workers who worked in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
exceeded 80%. There was
also
an increase in
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
construction
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IELTS academic percentage of workforce in each industry

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
97 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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