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percentage of part-time workers in country of United kingdom

percentage of part-time workers in country of United kingdom pL7Gw
The given graph illustrates the percentage of people working part-time over three decades from 1980 to 2010 in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales of United Kingdom. During 1980 the percentage of part-time workers was highest (32%) in Wales than the other countries. With few less percentage of part-time workers were found in England (25%) and nearly half of the total percentage of both countries were found in Northern Ireland and Scotland with 15% and 11% respectively. But different case was seen after three decades in 2010. The percentage of part-time workers has increased subsequently except for Northern Ireland. Wales is still the highest amongst all the other countries with 35%. England and Scotland have adequate increase in the percentage of part-time workers since 1980 with 31% and 19%. Northern Ireland has declination of 2% since 1980. So it can be said that England, Wales and Scotland have increased the international opportunities for the people of the world and Norther Ireland is still trying to coup up.
The
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given
graph illustrates the
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percentage
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working part-time over three decades from 1980 to 2010 in England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the United Kingdom".
of United Kingdom
. During 1980 the
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percentage
of part-time
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workers
was highest (32%) in Wales than the other countries. With few less
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percentage
of part-time
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workers
were found
in England (25%) and
nearly
half of the total
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percentage
of both countries
were found
in Northern Ireland and Scotland with 15% and 11%
respectively
.
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But
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different
case was
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seen
after three decades in 2010. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
has increased
subsequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
Northern Ireland. Wales is
still
the highest amongst all the other countries with 35%. England and Scotland have adequate increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
since 1980 with 31% and 19%. Northern Ireland has declination of 2% since 1980.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it can
be said
that England, Wales and Scotland have increased the international opportunities for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the world and Norther Ireland is
still
trying to coup up.

IELTS academic percentage of part-time workers in country of United kingdom

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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