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the pie chart show what Australian leaves did immediately

the pie chart show what Australian leaves did immediately xgy2a
The pie graphs illustrate what Australian students did immediately after leaving secondary school from 1980 to 2000 Overall it is clear that, the percentage of students who were unemployed and further education witnessed a downward trend over this thirty-year period. while there was an upward trend in the proportion of students who got employed after leaving secondary school As can be seen from the chart in 1980 the percentage of people who further education was the highest at 50% in comparison with employed students and unemployed students who were 40% and 10% respectively. However between 1990 and 2000 the figure for this decreased significantly to just under to fifths 37% Similarly the figure for unemployed students rose slightly to 12% in 1990 before falling to 8% in 2000. in contrast the figure for students who employed increased gradually to 50% in 1990 and then it jumped slightly to 55% in 2000
The pie graphs illustrate what Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
did immediately after leaving secondary school from 1980 to 2000

Overall
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that, the percentage of
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students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were unemployed
and
further
education witnessed a downward trend over this thirty-year period.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
while
there was an upward trend in the proportion of
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students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
employed after leaving secondary
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school


As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the chart in 1980 the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
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who
further
education was the highest at 50%
in comparison
with employed
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students
and unemployed
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students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were 40% and 10%
respectively
.
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However
between 1990 and 2000 the figure for this decreased
significantly
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under to fifths 37%

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
the figure for unemployed
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students
rose
slightly
to 12% in 1990
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before
falling to 8% in 2000.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
contrast
the figure for
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students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
employed increased
gradually
to 50% in 1990 and then it jumped
slightly
to 55% in 2000
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IELTS academic the pie chart show what Australian leaves did immediately

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
150 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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