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People from different ages giving money to the charity

People from different ages giving money to the charity BYp0V
As we can see in the chart that they gave us we can notice that not everyone gives money to charity, not even half of every age population, another thing that the chart tell us very clearly is that the older the people are the more individuals start giving money to charity, and that sounds pretty logical to me as they only have themselves to take care off, money may not be a problem to them and they start thinking about the ones who need them the most, and with that being said we can see that the youngest generations are the ones that have a less or smaller number of population or individuals that put their money into the charity of their preference, in some cases of the chart we can observe that the young ones with the time passing stoped their contribution to charity leaving them with a lower percentage.
As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in the chart that they gave us we can notice that not everyone gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
, not even half of every age population, another thing that the chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
clearly
is that the older the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are the more individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
, and that sounds pretty logical to me as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have themselves to take care off,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may not be a problem to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking about the ones who need them the most, and with that
being said
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the youngest generations are the ones that have a less or smaller number of population or individuals that put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
of their preference, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases of the chart we can observe that the young ones with the time passing
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "stopped", the past tense form of the verb 'stop'?
stoped
their contribution to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
charity
leaving them with a lower percentage.

IELTS academic People from different ages giving money to the charity

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
152 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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