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online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand

Retail section marketing through the internet is illustrated in 2003 and 2013 in New Zealand. Overall, it is obvious that the travel part keeps more ratio than another for both years. Books and film/music, both of them increasing through the years from 2003 to 2013. However, the proportion of clothes is decreased over the last decade. In 2003, the ratio of books was the least part of entire retail sections. Nevertheless, the percentage of books rise and reached nearly 22%. The chart shows the decreasing trend for the travel ratio over the last decade from 36% to 29%. The ratio of film/music increased dramatically from 2003 to 2013, reaching 33% and keeping the most percentage of whole retail divisions in New Zealand. The proportion of clothes to follow and decreasing tendency, and decline from 24% to 16%, therefore, in 2013, clothes keep the minimum percentage of an entire dime store in New Zealand.
Retail section marketing through the internet
is illustrated
in 2003 and 2013 in New Zealand.

Overall
, it is obvious that the travel part
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
than another for both years. Books and film/music, both of them increasing through the years from 2003 to 2013.
However
, the proportion of clothes
is decreased
over the last decade.

In 2003, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of books was the least part of entire retail sections.
Nevertheless
, the percentage of books rise and reached
nearly
22%. The chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the decreasing trend for the travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
over the last decade from 36% to 29%.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of film/music increased
dramatically
from 2003 to 2013, reaching 33% and keeping the most percentage of whole retail divisions in New Zealand.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
proportion of clothes to follow and decreasing tendency, and decline from 24% to 16%,
therefore
, in 2013, clothes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the minimum percentage of an entire dime store in New Zealand.
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IELTS academic online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
153 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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