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online purchasing in five age ranges for different hours of the day

online purchasing in five age ranges for different hours of the day qa5eE
The line graph illustrates rates of online purchasing in five age ranges for different hours of the day in 2015 in terms of percentage of sales. Overall, it can be seen from the graph that the proportion of people at 25-34 years old, who were shopping online, higher than other groups in most times of the day while the 60+ group was almost lowest. It is clear that people of all ages rarely spent their time shopping online before 9am, there was only around 5% of people from all groups were recorded at this time of the day. The oldest group sharply increased and reached a peak at approximately 20% payments from 9 am to 12 pm, then followed by a fluctuation and declined to about only 3% after 10 pm. The other group witnessed a different pattern that starting from around 5% and then varied before peaked at about 23%, 29%, 30%, and 33% for 45-59, 16-24, 35-44, and 25-34 years old groups respectively at between 6 pm and 8pm. This followed by a downward trend to around 7%, 11%, 15% and 13% of sales respectively from 10 pm onwards.
The line graph illustrates rates of online purchasing in five age ranges for
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different
hours of the day in 2015 in terms of percentage of sales.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the graph that the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at 25-34 years
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old
, who were shopping online, higher than other
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groups
in most times of the day while the 60+
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group
was almost lowest.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of all ages rarely spent their time shopping online
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before
9am, there was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
around 5% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from all
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groups
were recorded
at this time of the day. The oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
sharply
increased and reached a peak at approximately 20% payments from 9 am to 12 pm, then followed by a fluctuation and declined to about
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only
3% after 10 pm.

The other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
witnessed a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
pattern that starting from around 5% and then varied
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
peaked at about 23%, 29%, 30%, and 33% for 45-59, 16-24, 35-44, and 25-34 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
respectively
at between 6 pm and 8pm. This followed by a downward trend to around 7%, 11%, 15% and 13% of sales
respectively
from 10 pm onwards.
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IELTS academic online purchasing in five age ranges for different hours of the day

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
191 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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