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Number of participants in the olympics

Number of participants in the olympics 7P5o6
The bar chart shows the number of male and female participants have joined in the olympics from 1924 up to 2012. Whereas, the line graph shows the number of participants have joined the Olympics in the same period. Overall, it is clear that male pariticipants always outnumbered the female. In 1924, the number of female players were approximately 100 while there were 3000 male players and the total participants was around 3100. On the other hand, in 2012, the differences between numbers of female players and male players has been decreased but male players were still more than female players. The participants in 2012 have significantly increased with approximately 11000.
The bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
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number
of male and
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participants
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
olympics
from 1924 up to 2012.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, the line graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participants
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
the Olympics in the same period.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that male
Possible spelling mistake found.
pariticipants
always outnumbered the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
. In 1924, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
were approximately 100 while there were 3000 male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
and the total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participants
was around 3100.
On the other hand
, in 2012, the differences between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
and male
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players
has
been decreased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
were
still
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
players
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participants
in 2012 have
significantly
increased with approximately 11000.
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IELTS academic Number of participants in the olympics

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
110 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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