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Number of enquiries received from January to June in 2011

Number of enquiries received from January to June in 2011 G9X92
This line graph elucidates the number of requests received for clarification by the the tourist information office from January to June(6 months) in 2011 in 3 ways. Overall, the graph shows the ways in which enquiries are received(in person, by letter/email and by telephone). It can be observed that the number of enquiries received surged from January to June whereas they were dropped gradually for letter/email. It can be also be depicted that in person enquires are at peak than every other means. The number of enquiries received in person rose from nearly 420 to 1900 from January to June. Similarly, enquiries received by telephone have a little increase from 900 to 1600 as compared with the in person enquiries. On the other hand, it can be seen that the number of enquiries by letter or email declined from 780 to 380 and the number of requests raised by telephone(850) had been higher in January but in June the number of requests raised in person(1900) is the highest
This line graph elucidates the
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number
of requests
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received
for clarification by
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
tourist information office from January to June(6 months) in 2011 in 3 ways.

Overall
, the graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the ways in which
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
are received
(in
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person
, by letter/email and by telephone). It can
be observed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
received
surged from January to June whereas they
were dropped
gradually
for letter/email. It can be
also
be depicted
that in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquires' is British English.
enquires
are at
Use "(peak)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
peak
than every other means.

The
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number
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
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received
in
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person
rose from
nearly
420 to 1900 from January to June.
Similarly
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
received
by telephone have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
increase from 900 to 1600 as compared with the in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
.

On the other hand
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiries' is British English.
enquiries
by letter or email declined from 780 to 380 and the
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number
of requests raised by telephone(850) had been higher in January
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in June the
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number
of requests raised in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person(1900)
is the highest
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IELTS academic Number of enquiries received from January to June in 2011

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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