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men and women in different jobs in UK

men and women in different jobs in UK yPEyV
The chart illustrate percentage of all male and female employed different profession in the year of 2005, in the United Kingdom. Overall, men were highly worked in skilled trades jobs whereas least worked in Personal service job. However, maximal number of women were worked in Administrative and secretarial role but minimal number in Skilled trades and Process, plan and machine operatives departments. On the one hand, the number of men were 20% and the ratio were about8: 1 large than women in skilled trades type job, similarly, in Management and senior officials job role and Professional job role, women were working 66% and 25% less than men which were near about 17. 5% and 12. 5 respectively. But in occupation of Associate professional and technical and Elementary they had minimal difference of approximately 2% in both categories. However, on the other hand, the numbers of working women were excellent in some departments in comparison to men such as, in Personal service, women were 14% whereas men were nearly 2. 5% which means, the figures of women were 7 time more than men. Same as, in sales and customer services and administrative and secretarial job. The working women count were 12. 5 % almost double of men count and 22. 5% almost 4 time high than men number.
The chart illustrate percentage of all male and female employed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
profession in the year of 2005, in the United Kingdom.

Overall
,
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men
were
highly
worked in skilled trades
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jobs
whereas least worked in Personal service
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job
.
However
, maximal
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number
of
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women
were

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
worked
in Administrative and secretarial role
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but
minimal
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number
in Skilled trades and Process, plan and machine operatives departments.

On the one hand, the
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number
of
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men
were 20% and the ratio were about8: 1
Use "larger" to make a comparison with this adjective.
large
than
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women
in skilled trades type
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job
,
similarly
, in Management and senior officials
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job
role and Professional
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job
role,
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women
were working 66% and 25% less than
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men
which were near about 17. 5% and 12. 5
respectively
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in occupation of Associate professional and technical and Elementary they had minimal difference of approximately 2% in both categories.

However
,
on the other hand
, the
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numbers
of working
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women
were excellent in
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some
departments
in comparison
to
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men
such as, in Personal service,
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women
were 14% whereas
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men
were
nearly
2. 5% which means, the figures of
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women
were 7 time more than
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men
. Same as, in sales and customer services and administrative and secretarial
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job
. The working
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women
count were 12. 5 % almost double of
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men
count and 22. 5% almost 4 time
Use "higher" to make a comparison with this adjective.
high
than
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men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
.
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IELTS academic men and women in different jobs in UK

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
217 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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