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men and women in different profession in UK

men and women in different profession in UK oEnWK
The Vertical graph depicts that the percentage of employment all genders workers by occupation in UK in the year of 2005. Overall, the men and women occupy nearly the same percentage in Professional, elementary and Associated professionals and technical departments. At the first glance, the biggest proportion of men which is 20% skilled traders whereas only 3% women hold this occupation. However, the minority of men work as personal service at around 3%. As it can be noticed that personal service, administrative and secretarial works are the most favorable job for females while males have least popularity on these departments (14% and 23% in opposed of 3% and 5% respectively). On the other hand, the greatest number of female workers were related to the administrative and secretarial were 4 times more than men however we can notice that man in administrative and secretarial were exactly equally to the no. Of man in sales and customer service.
The Vertical graph depicts that the percentage of employment all genders workers by occupation in UK in the year of 2005.
Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and women occupy
nearly
the same percentage in Professional, elementary and Associated professionals and technical departments.

At the
first
glance, the biggest proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
which is 20% skilled traders whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3% women hold this occupation.
However
, the minority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
work as personal service at around 3%. As it can
be noticed
that personal service, administrative and secretarial works are the most favorable job for females while males have
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
popularity on these departments (14% and 23% in opposed of 3% and 5%
respectively
).

On the other hand
, the greatest number of female workers
were related
to the administrative and secretarial were 4 times more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
however
we can notice that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in administrative and secretarial were exactly
equally
to the no. Of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in sales and customer service.
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IELTS academic men and women in different profession in UK

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
156 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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