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Medal achievement of 3 countries in between 2004 and 2016

Medal achievement of 3 countries in between 2004 and 2016 r61a2
The supplied bar graph enumerates the number of medals won by the 3 countries USA, Russia and China in the time span of 12 years ( 2004-2016). Overall, it is evident that Us had been the highest achiever in all these years. Firstly, as illustrated in the bar graph, in the year 2004 the number of medals achieved by US is 100 whereas Russia won medals in between 60 and 80. Similarly in the year 2008, 2012 and 2016 the achievement of US is increasing. But in case of Russia there is a downfall. Apart from US and Russia the achievement of China is sharply increasing from time to time. In 2016 US had achieved the highest number of medals while Russia had achieved the least
The supplied bar graph enumerates the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medals
won by the 3 countries USA, Russia and China in the time span of 12 years
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
2004-2016).
Overall
, it is evident that Us had been the highest achiever in all these years.
Firstly
, as illustrated in the bar graph, in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2004 the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medals
achieved by US is 100 whereas Russia won
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medals
in between 60 and 80.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Similarly
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2008, 2012 and 2016 the achievement of US is increasing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in case of Russia there is a downfall. Apart from US and Russia the achievement of China is
sharply
increasing from time to time. In 2016 US had achieved the highest number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medals
while Russia had achieved the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
least
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IELTS academic Medal achievement of 3 countries in between 2004 and 2016

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
125 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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