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Regular consumption of fruits and vegetables by women, men and children over 5years period.

Regular consumption of fruits and vegetables by women, men and children over 5years period. p1LEm
The bar chart illustrates the information about the percentage of women, men and children on their daily consumption of fruits and vegetables from 2001 to 2008. Overall the percent of women seems to be highest while the children consumption of fruits and vegetables has lowest proportion. In addition there is rapid growth in fruit and vegetable consumption can be seen through the bar chart over a given period. To be in detail, the fruit and vegetable servings of women starts with 21% in 2001 and continued to increase dramatically to over 30% in 2006. Again in 2008 the daily servings of women reduced to 30%. Despite this it can noted from the bar chart that the eating of fruits and vegetables by women remained higher than the men and children. On the otherhand, the percentage of men and children over the consumption of fruits and vegetables stood constant for first three years(17% and 12% respectively). Then in the year 2004, men routine eating of fruits and vegetables rise to increase over 20% and advanced to show increment throughout the end with percent of 28%. Whereas the servings of vegetables and fruits of children also rise to a peak of 20% in 2008 but remained to be lower than men consumption throughout the period.
The bar chart illustrates the information about the percentage of
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women
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on their daily
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consumption
of
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fruits
and
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vegetables
from 2001 to 2008.
Overall
the percent of
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women
seems to be
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fruits
and
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vegetables
has
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
proportion. In
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addition
there is rapid growth in
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fruit
and
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vegetable
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consumption
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
through the bar chart
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over
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period. To be in detail, the
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fruit
and
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vegetable
servings of
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women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
with 21% in 2001 and continued to increase
dramatically
to
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over
30% in 2006. Again in 2008 the daily servings of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
to 30%. Despite this it can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "note"
noted
from the bar chart that the eating of
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fruits
and
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vegetables
by
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women
remained higher than the
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men
and
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children
. On the
Possible spelling mistake found.
otherhand
, the percentage of
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men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the
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consumption
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fruits
and
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vegetables
stood constant for
first
three years(17% and 12%
respectively
). Then in the year 2004,
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men
routine eating of
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fruits
and
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vegetables
rise to increase
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over
20% and advanced to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
increment throughout the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
with percent of 28%. Whereas the servings of
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vegetables
and
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fruits
of
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children
also
rise to a peak of 20% in 2008
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
remained to be lower than
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men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
consumption
throughout the period.
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IELTS academic Regular consumption of fruits and vegetables by women, men and children over 5years period.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
213 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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