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Line graph and pie charts

Line graph and pie charts mXBbK
The line graph shows the data about all full-time members' monthly health club use in Miami and Florida in 2013. The pie charts indicate the percentage of members' age divided by sex. Overall, members attended health clubs more frequently in summer, from June to Sept, than in other months. Moreover, a small majority of them is in the age of 21 to 45 years old. As we can see from the line graph, men used health club services more than women. It is observed that more than 800 men went to health clubs, while just over 700 women used those services in the same period from June to Sept. Even in Jan, Feb, and Mar, there were the least numbers of members using health club services, but men's using was still higher than women's, with around 550 for men and 500 for women. Additionally, over a year in 2013, both men and women attended health clubs more usually in June, July, Aug, and Sept than other months. Regarding ages, a slight majority of both male and female members were in the age group of 21 to 45 years old, at around 55%. With 65 years old and older, they accounted for 25% of male members and 32% of female members. Only approximately one in five of both members were of other ages.
The line graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the data about all full-time members' monthly
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health
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club
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use
in Miami and Florida in 2013. The pie charts indicate the percentage of members'
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age
divided by sex.
Overall
,
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members
attended
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health
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clubs
more
frequently
in summer, from June to Sept, than in other months.
Moreover
, a
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small
majority of them is in the
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age
of 21 to 45 years
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old
.

As we can
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see
from the line graph,
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men
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used
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health
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club
services more than
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women
. It
is observed
that more than 800
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men
went to
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health
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clubs
, while
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just
over 700
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women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
those services in the same period from June to Sept. Even in Jan, Feb, and Mar, there were the least numbers of
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members
using
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health
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club
services,
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but
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men
's using was
still
higher than women's, with around 550 for
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men
and 500 for
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women
.
Additionally
, over a
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year
in 2013, both
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men
and
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women
attended
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health
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clubs
more
usually
in June, July, Aug, and Sept than other months.

Regarding
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ages
, a slight majority of both male and female
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members
were in the
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age
group of 21 to 45 years
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old
, at around 55%. With 65 years
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old
and older, they accounted for 25% of male
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members
and 32% of female
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members
.
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Only
approximately one in five of both
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members
were of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.

IELTS academic Line graph and pie charts

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
222 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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