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Japanese and Malaysians household expenditure

Japanese and Malaysians household expenditure RkDXG
The pie charts reveal average household expenses in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. According to this statistics, people expenses in these two countries were analyzed and categorized in five sections which named Housing, Transport, Food, Healthcare and other goods and services. In Japan the largest scale of outlays paid for other goods and services which is 29%. Food prices is about 24% stated in the second place. Housing and transportation make up other costs, 21 and 20 percent respectively. The lowest amount was spent on healthcare (6%). In Malaysia the largest expense (Housing) is about 34% and next priority goes for Food and Transport which paid out in sequence 27 and 26 outcome percentage. Transport with an average of 10% consists the third part of this chart. Malaysian expensed average of 3% that like Japan is at the bottom of the list. As you can see, it seems in Malaysia Housing price is 13% more expensive than Japan but in Japan transportation costs are two times more than Malaysia. Also the largest amount of Japanese income paid for other goods and services but it’s only 3% more than Malaysians. I think people in Malaysia pay much attention to their foods so the second payment score belongs to.
The pie charts reveal average household expenses in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
and Malaysia in the year 2010. According to this statistics,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
expenses
in these two countries
were analyzed
and categorized in five sections which named Housing, Transport,
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Food
, Healthcare and
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other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services.

In
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Japan
the largest scale of outlays paid for
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other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services which is 29%.
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Food
prices is about 24% stated in the second place. Housing and transportation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up
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other
costs, 21 and 20 percent
respectively
. The lowest amount
was spent
on healthcare (6%).

In Malaysia the largest expense (Housing) is about 34% and
next
priority goes for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Food
and Transport which paid out in sequence 27 and 26 outcome percentage. Transport with an average of 10% consists the third part of this chart. Malaysian expensed average of 3% that like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
is at the bottom of the list.

As you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
, it seems in Malaysia Housing price is 13% more expensive than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
transportation costs are two times more than Malaysia.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
the largest amount of Japanese income paid for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3% more than Malaysians. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Malaysia pay much attention to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the second payment score belongs to.
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IELTS academic Japanese and Malaysians household expenditure

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
209 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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