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Industries as a percentage of Brazil's Economy

Industries as a percentage of Brazil's Economy wxmKd
The bar graph illustrates the percentage of current and projected share of Brazil's economy that consists of four key business sectors for the years 2009 and 2029. Overall, it is observed that the finance sector has steady growth. Oil, coal and gas industry had a consisten growth but is said to decline in future. However the tourism industry will remain stagnant. According to the given data, in 2009 the finance sector was at around 31% it further grew in the 10 years period and reached 36% in 2019 showing a significant growth and now the finance sector is predicted to reach 41% in 2029 remaining the highest than any other industry. The tourism industry in 2009 started at around 26% but dropped at 21% in 2019 and it is projected to remain same and have no growth in the next 10 years. The oil, coal and gas started at 26% same as tourism in 2009 and it grew around 31 % in 2009 but is projected to decline and reach 26% by 2029. Further more manufacturing sector is is projected to decline further and reaching 5% by 2029 become the lowest than other industries.
The bar graph illustrates the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
and
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projected
share of Brazil's economy that consists of four key business
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sectors
for the years 2009 and 2029.

Overall
, it
is observed
that the finance
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sector
has steady
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growth
. Oil, coal and gas
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industry
had a
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consisten
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growth
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but
is said
to decline
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in future
.
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However
the tourism
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industry
will remain stagnant.

According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
data, in 2009 the finance
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sector
was at around 31% it
further
grew in the 10 years period and reached 36% in 2019 showing a significant
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growth
and
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now
the finance
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sector
is predicted
to reach 41% in 2029 remaining the
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highest
than any other
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industry
. The tourism
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industry
in 2009
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started
at around 26%
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but
dropped at 21% in 2019 and it is
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projected
to remain same and have no
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growth
in the
next
10 years.

The oil, coal and gas
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started
at 26% same as tourism in 2009 and it grew around 31 % in 2009
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but
is
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projected
to decline and reach 26% by 2029.
Further
more manufacturing
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sector
Possible typo: you repeated a word
is is
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projected
to decline
further
and reaching 5% by 2029 become the lowest than other
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industries
.
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IELTS academic Industries as a percentage of Brazil's Economy

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
194 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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