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Graph depicting daily sunshine at 3 Australian cities for a year

Graph depicting daily sunshine at 3 Australian cities for a year j9eaM
The graph provides information on mean hours of daily sunshine round the year at Sydney and Perth. Overall, it depicts how far the sun shines (in hours) over the year in two Australian year. For the first half of the year, the average hours of sunshine at Perth is 11 hours at the starting of year where it then drops by half-an-hour steadily till the month of June reaching 5 hours of sunshine. Whereas at Sydney the sun shines for 8 hours a day in January and maintains constant 7 hours period for the next 3 months, followed by 6 hours of sunshine period till the end of June. As the second half of the year begins the average hours remains the same as in June for over 2 months. While at Sydney, the span of sunshine increased by one hour per month till August. After August, the sunshine at Perth increases swiftly each month reaching 11 hours of sunshine at the end of the year. In case of Sydney it attains a constant value of 8 hours till the end of the year.
The graph provides information on mean
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hours
of daily
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sunshine
round the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
at Sydney and Perth.
Overall
, it depicts how far the sun shines (in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours)
over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
in two Australian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
. For the
first
half of the
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year
, the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
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sunshine
at Perth is 11
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at the starting of
It is better to use 'year' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "year when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
year where
it then drops by half-an-hour
steadily
till the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
of June reaching 5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
. Whereas at Sydney the sun shines for 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a day in January and maintains constant 7
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hours
period for the
next
3
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months
, followed by 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
period till the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of June. As the second half of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
remains the same as in June for over 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
. While at Sydney, the span of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
increased by one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
till August. After August, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
at Perth increases
swiftly
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
reaching 11
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
. In case of Sydney it attains a constant value of 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
till the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
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IELTS academic Graph depicting daily sunshine at 3 Australian cities for a year

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
184 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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