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formula 1 attracting ro the males in 2007

formula 1 attracting ro the males in 2007 x23mQ
The supplied bar chart makes a comparison among several reasons given for attracting people toward formula 1 in the specific year 2007. Referring to the bar chart, the most popular reason for captivating young males toward formula 1 is excitement at 53% which is closely followed by the speed of cars, citing 51%. On the contrary, none of the above-mentioned reasons, honesty and fairness in the sport and favorite sport accounted least significant reason. Holding 7%, 9% and 12% respectively. Technology that involved in the sport and the drivers were other popular reason for fascinating young males to watch them with the figure of 44% and 36% in respective order. Glamour and brands tend to be akin to each other at 16% and 15% respectively. Overall, the young males were mostly fond of watching formula 1 since they find excitement and the speed involved in the racing more captivating enough for them while the rest of the other reasons were given in descending order in terms of percentage.
The supplied bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a comparison among several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for attracting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
toward formula 1 in the specific year 2007.

Referring to the bar chart, the most popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for captivating young males toward formula 1 is excitement at 53% which is
closely
followed by the speed of cars, citing 51%.
On the contrary
, none of the above-mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
, honesty and fairness in the sport and favorite sport accounted
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
. Holding 7%, 9% and 12%
respectively
.

Technology that involved in the sport and the drivers were other popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
for fascinating young males to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
them with the figure of 44% and 36% in respective order. Glamour and brands tend to be akin to each other at 16% and 15%
respectively
.

Overall
, the young males were
mostly
fond of watching formula 1 since they find excitement and the speed involved in the racing more captivating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for them while the rest of the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in descending order in terms of percentage.
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IELTS academic formula 1 attracting ro the males in 2007

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
168 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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