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employment rate of men and women

employment rate of men and women E7ngR
The provided charts give information about employment rates by three separate nations (Australia, Japan and Ireland) in two different years, 2005 and 2015. As can be seen from the charts, there was an upward trend in the proportion of employment of total countries of two genders, and the employment rate of males was considerably higher than that of females. According to the first chart, the percentage of male going to work in Japan in the year 2005 was highest, at 75%, followed by over 60% of Australia and nearly 70% of Ireland. On top of that, Ireland’s employment rate of females occupied most in the feminine group, at roughly 45%, 6% higher than that of Australia, compared with 30% of Japan. Looking at the remaining chart, after a decade, there was an identical statistic in the employment rate of the male group between Ireland and Australia, standing at exactly 70%, while Japan took first place, at nearly 80%. In addition, feminine employees in Australia saw a sharp growth to reach a peak of 55%. Whilst, half of the female profession rate belonged to Ireland in comparison with one-third of the other nation.
The provided
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charts
give information about
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employment
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rates
by three separate nations (Australia, Japan and Ireland) in two
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different
years, 2005 and 2015.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the
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charts
, there was an upward trend in the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
of total countries of two genders, and the
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employment
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rate
of males was
considerably
higher than that of females.

According to the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
, the percentage of male going to work in Japan in the year 2005 was highest, at 75%, followed by over 60% of Australia and
nearly
70% of Ireland.
On top of that
, Ireland’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of females occupied most in the feminine group, at roughly 45%, 6% higher than that of Australia, compared with 30% of Japan.

Looking at the remaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
, after a decade, there was an identical statistic in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of the male group between Ireland and Australia, standing at exactly 70%, while Japan took
first
place, at
nearly
80%.
In addition
, feminine employees in Australia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a sharp growth to reach a peak of 55%. Whilst, half of the female profession
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
belonged to Ireland
in comparison
with one-third of the other nation.
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IELTS academic employment rate of men and women

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
192 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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