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employemt rate in three countries in 2005 and 2015

employemt rate in three countries in 2005 and 2015 Mr56L
The two bar graphs below show information of the males and females who worked in Australia, Japan and Ireland between 2005 and 2015. Overall, all the proportions increased in both periods. But, the proportion of females are less than males in all three countries. In 2005, the number of males had the highest employment rate in Japan, nearly 75% and females ranked 2nd at about 30%. But, it slightly rose to 80% and 35% in ten years. Besides that, the proportion of males in employment in Australia significantly increased from 60% to 70%. And Ireland increased by approximately 5% for two genders in 2015 On the other hand, the number of women who worked in Australia considerably rose from around 35% in 2005 to 55% in 2015.
The two bar graphs below
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show
information of the
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males
and females who worked in Australia, Japan and Ireland between 2005 and 2015.

Overall
, all the proportions increased in both periods.
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But
, the proportion of females are less than
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males
in all three countries.

In 2005, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
had the highest employment rate in Japan,
nearly
75% and females ranked 2nd at about 30%.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, it
slightly
rose to 80% and 35% in ten years.
Besides
that, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in employment in Australia
significantly
increased from 60% to 70%. And Ireland increased by approximately 5% for two genders in 2015

On the other hand
, the number of women who worked in Australia
considerably
rose from around 35% in 2005 to 55% in 2015.

IELTS academic employemt rate in three countries in 2005 and 2015

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
127 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 7.0
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