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describe two maps: bar chart and pie chart

describe two maps: bar chart and pie chart d9j6r
The bar chart illustrates overweight or obese adults as a proportion of the adult population. While the pie chart gave information about adult population weight range in 2015. As an overall trend, the rate of adults who are overweight or obese increased throughout the years. It is obvious that weight range of the adult population 2015 has a disparity. First of all, between 1965 and 1985 obese people had no significant variation. It only changed around 40% and below 50%. From 1996 to 2015, there was an increased trend here. Specific rose about more than 10%. This means that the percentage of adults who gain weight or are obese tends to go up and may rise further in the future. On top of that, in the pie chart we can see the obese adults accounted for one third of the chart. Then, people who overweight take up approximately one in three. This is also a large number. The proportion of healthy and underweight people is 29%, in other words it is around one out of three. Adults who has severely obese, are less than the other, that is a significant minority.
The bar
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chart
illustrates overweight or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
as a proportion of the adult population.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the pie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
gave information about adult population weight range in 2015.

As an
overall
trend, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are overweight or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
increased throughout the years. It is obvious that weight range of the adult population 2015 has a disparity.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, between 1965 and 1985
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had no significant variation. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
around 40% and below 50%. From 1996 to 2015, there was an increased trend here. Specific rose about more than 10%. This means that the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
gain weight or are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
tends to go up and may rise
further
in the future.

On top of that
, in the pie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
accounted for one third of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
. Then,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
overweight take up approximately one in three. This is
also
a large number. The proportion of healthy and underweight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
is 29%,
in other words
it is around one out of three.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Did you mean "have", "haven"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'Adults' should be used.
has
severely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
, are less than the other,
that is
a significant minority.
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IELTS academic describe two maps: bar chart and pie chart

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
191 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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