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Describe the bar graph regarding the residents of Charlestown

Describe the bar graph regarding the residents of Charlestown r6Ono
The bar graph illustrates the percentage of people in Charlestown having four differents weight measurements in 1995 and 2015. Information is divided into five age groups. Overall, the participation of each type of weight measurement varied significantly during the period under study. While in 1995 the largeest proportion of individuals in each age group had an ideal weight and the percentage of obese was smallm and even inexistent for some brackets, in 2015 the participation of people weighting more then an ideal weight increased considerably for all age groups. Only for those between 20-29 years old the distribution of people in each eright measurement was similar to the one in 1995. In 1995 the majority proportion of individual in each age group had an ideal weight, about 50% for those in the two eldest group, and 60% or more for the other 3 groups. Underweight people had also an important participation, from 18% for the 40-49 group to just above 40% for the 60-69 group. Overweight had a modest participation for the people between 30 and 49 years old, while the percentage of obese was small. In 2015 the composition within each age group changed dramatically, except for the 20-29 years old group. The proportion of underweight individuals drop considerably compare to 1995, whole the percentage of ideal decreased modestly for those between 30 and 59 years old; the fall was dramatically for the eldest group. At the same time the participation of overweight rose for all groups but for the 50-59. Finally, 2015 showed more participation of obese people: most went up for the 30-39 and 40-49 groups, wile the participation increased substantially for those between 50 and 69 years old.
The bar graph illustrates the
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percentage
of
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people
in Charlestown having four
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differents
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weight
measurements in 1995 and 2015. Information
is divided
into five
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age
groups.

Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participation
of each type of
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weight
measurement varied
significantly
during the period under study. While in 1995 the
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "largest", the superlative form of the adjective 'large'?
largeest
proportion of individuals in each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
had an
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ideal
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weight
and the
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percentage
of obese was
Possible spelling mistake found.
smallm
and even
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inexistent
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
brackets, in 2015 the
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participation
of
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people
weighting more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
then
an
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ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
increased
considerably
for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
for those between 20-29 years
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old
the distribution of
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people
in each
Possible spelling mistake found.
eright
measurement was similar to the one in 1995.

In 1995 the majority proportion of individual in each
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
had an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
, about 50% for those in the two eldest
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group
, and 60% or more for the other 3
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groups
. Underweight
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people
had
also
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
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participation
, from 18% for the 40-49
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group
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 40% for the 60-69
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group
. Overweight had a modest
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participation
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
between 30 and 49 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
, while the
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percentage
of obese was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
.

In 2015 the composition within each
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
dramatically
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
the 20-29 years
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old
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group
. The proportion of underweight individuals
Did you mean "drops"?
drop
considerably
compare to 1995, whole the
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percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ideal
decreased
modestly
for those between 30 and 59 years
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old
; the fall was
dramatically
for the eldest
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group
. At the same time the
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participation
of overweight rose for all
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groups
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
for the 50-59.
Finally
, 2015
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participation
of obese
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people
: most went up for the 30-39 and 40-49
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
, wile the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
participation
increased
substantially
for those between 50 and 69 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
.
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IELTS academic Describe the bar graph regarding the residents of Charlestown

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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