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Comparison of favourite subject in schools

Comparison of favourite subject in schools 66nLl
The given bar graph illustrates regarding the education of 60 pupils from school a and school b with five subjects like social science, science, language, craft/drawing and sport. It can be seen from the graph around 6% was spent by school A it's subject of a social science which was slightly more than the science who spent around 2% in sport as opposed to craft/drawing at just 25%. The consumption of sport fell down a 5%. It is clearly evident from the graph school A as a subject of language higher than the social science around 10% and 18% respectively. Overall, as is shown by the graph school B from science subject which is lowest percentage in comparison to craft/ drawing. Moreover it is clearly depicts that sport is higher in comparison to another.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar
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graph
illustrates regarding the education of 60 pupils from
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school
a and
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school
b with five
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subjects
like social
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science
,
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science
, language, craft/drawing and sport.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the
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graph
around 6%
was spent
by
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school
Possible typo. Did you mean "A" or "it"?
A it
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
of a social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
which was
slightly
more than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
who spent around 2% in sport as opposed to craft/drawing at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
25%. The consumption of sport fell down a 5%. It is
clearly
evident from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
A as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
of language higher than the social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
around 10% and 18%
respectively
.

Overall
, as
is shown
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graph
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
B from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
which is
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
percentage
in comparison
to craft/ drawing.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
it is
clearly
depicts that sport is higher
in comparison
to another.
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IELTS academic Comparison of favourite subject in schools

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
134 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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