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Bullying is a big problem in many school. What do you thing are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? Give reason for your answer with relevant example

Bullying is a big problem in many school. What do you thing are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? Give reason for your answer with relevant example 0w1NG
Based on my knowledge, there are a large number of populations in the whole world. Majority of the population are teenagers who are completing their education various schools or colleges therefore there are large of the institutes in the whole world. There are colleges which face many problems in each year and one of the major and most common problem is bullying of the junior students done by the senior member of specific institute or school. There are students who feel depressed after such incidents and cannot focus on their academic year in particular. People who bully the juniors are basically influenced by the television shows, their surrounding, the area which they belong to, the upbringing and also they also believe that there is no strict action that takes place in the campus by the principal so they perform their task fearlessly. The bullied are not comfortable and have a fear to attend the college as they have a fear to get bullied again. There was a boy who was badly bullied in his college time, earlier he was a very joyful, fun loving boy after that incident the table turned around the boy became silent and went into depression and he faced many health related problem. After 2 years of treatment he came out of depression and was fine later but the boy lost his teenage life and was not able to enjoy it. According to my opinion the institutes must take streak action against this type of activity in the premises. There must be saviour punishments imposed on the students who are involved in this activity and there must also be rules and regulation which must be followed by each and every candidates of the institute. There must be awareness camps which can spread knowledge how to deal with this type of situation among the students
Based on my knowledge, there are
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
populations in the whole world. Majority of the population are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are completing their education various schools or colleges
therefore
there are large of the institutes in the whole world. There are colleges which face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems in each year and one of the major and most common problem is bullying of the junior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
done by the senior member of specific institute or school. There are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
feel depressed after such incidents and cannot focus on their academic year
in particular
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
bully the juniors are
basically
influenced by the television
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, their surrounding, the area which they belong to, the upbringing and
also
they
also
believe that there is no strict action that takes place in the campus by the principal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they perform their task
fearlessly
. The bullied are not comfortable and have a fear to attend the college as they have a fear to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bullied again. There was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was
badly
bullied in his college time, earlier he was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
joyful,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
fun loving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boy
after that incident the table turned around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boy
became silent and went into
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
depression and
he faced
Possible agreement error. The noun health seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much health", "a good deal of health".
many health
related problem. After 2 years of treatment he came out of depression and was fine later
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boy
lost his teenage life and was not able to enjoy it.

According to my opinion the institutes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take streak action against this type of activity in the premises. There
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
Possible spelling mistake found.
saviour
punishments imposed on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are involved
in this activity and there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulation which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be followed
by each and every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "candidate"?
candidates
of the institute. There
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be awareness camps which can spread knowledge how to deal with this type of situation among the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
students
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IELTS academic Bullying is a big problem in many school. What do you thing are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? Give reason for your answer with relevant example

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
307 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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