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Bar graph compares the percentage of male and female

Bar graph compares the percentage of male and female 9LD23
The given bar graph compares the percentage of male and female employees in faculties of university in 2012. It is evident that in the year 2012, more female staff was appointed in arts department than 40% of males only. Similarly, education sector had quite more female teachers around 80% than 25% male teachers. Probing further, in the field of business, law, science males were given more preference than females. It is worth noticing that university gave more preference to males than females in engineering field and males got highest percentage recorded as around 85% than females. An equal percentage of both genders were seen in medical that was 50%. Overall, expect arts and education department, the percentage of males staff were more than females.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar graph compares the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employees in faculties of university in 2012.

It is evident that in the year 2012, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
staff
was appointed
in arts department than 40% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
Similarly
, education sector had quite more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
teachers around 80% than 25% male teachers. Probing
further
, in the field of business, law, science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more preference than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
. It is worth noticing that university gave more preference to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in engineering field and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
recorded as around 85% than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
. An equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of both genders were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in medical that was 50%.

Overall
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
arts and education department, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
staff were more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
.
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IELTS academic Bar graph compares the percentage of male and female

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
124 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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