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Analytical Paragraph - Pie Chart

Analytical Paragraph - Pie Chart 70NOn
The pie-charts show some factors that make people of different age groups most happy. The first chart pertains to people below the age of 30 while the second pertains to people above the age of 30. Looking at the chart, achievement at work is one main factor which makes 31% people of the first category and 32% people of the second category feel happy. The second largest percentage of both age groups is doing hobbies, which accounts for 22% of people under 30 and roughly quarter of people above 30. In the first chart, the percentage of other factors is about 14% and in the second it is slightly lower - about 10%. Taking a look at the differences, on one hand, travelling makes 15% of the younger generation happier whereas, on the other hand, the almost the same percentage of people of the older generation prefer being with their family. While 18% people of the first age group feel having a good appearance makes them happy, a fifth of the second age group feel financial security gives them a sense of contentment. Overall, people across both age groups find achievements at work and doing hobbies feel most happy.
The pie-charts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
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some
factors that
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make
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people
of
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different
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age
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groups
most
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happy
. The
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first
chart pertains to
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people
below the
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age
of 30 while the second pertains to
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people
above the
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age
of 30. Looking at the chart, achievement at work is one main factor which
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makes
31%
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people
of the
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first
category and 32%
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people
of the second category
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feel
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happy
. The second largest percentage of both
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age
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groups
is doing hobbies, which accounts for 22% of
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people
under 30 and roughly quarter of
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people
above 30. In the
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first
chart, the percentage of other factors is about 14% and in the second it is
slightly
lower
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
about 10%. Taking a look at the differences, on one hand, travelling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
15% of the younger generation happier whereas,
on the other hand
,
Duplicated 'the' in the phrase: 'the almost the'. Did you mean "almost the"?
the almost the
same percentage of
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people
of the older generation prefer being with their family. While 18%
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people
of the
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first
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
appearance
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makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
, a fifth of the second
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
financial security gives them a sense of contentment.
Overall
,
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people
across both
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
find achievements at work and doing hobbies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
feel
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
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IELTS academic Analytical Paragraph - Pie Chart

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
199 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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