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amount of visitors to the two different music websites

amount of visitors to the two different music websites wK9yn
The given graph delinates the amount of visitors to the two different websites for music entertaining purpose in a fortnight. Overall, although the figure of people who visit Pop Parade outnumbered its counterpart most of the time, it fluctuated significantly while the number of visitors to Music Choice remains constant and then rose up. In the first week, in terms of visits to the website, Pop Parade started at a rate which is three time more than Music Choice but it slowly declined from about 120 thousands to slightly below 40 thounsands. However, it started to skyrocket two day later as it reach 140 thousand visitors on day eleven, albest it dropped two days later, and peaked at marginally over 160 thousands visits at the end of the period. On the other hand, Music Choice visits, despite a slight rise on the third day, seemed to plateaued in the first week with 30 thousands visitors in average. Nevertheless, it began to increase significantly on day eleven onwards. The figure even surpassed its counterpart on day twelve and thirdteen with about 120 thousands and 110 thousands access, respectively. At the end of the period, it fell about 50 thousands visits and ended up at 70 thousands.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
graph
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delinates
the amount of
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visitors
to the two
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different
websites for
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music
entertaining purpose in a fortnight.
Overall
, although the figure of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
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visit
Pop Parade outnumbered its counterpart most of the time, it fluctuated
significantly
while the number of
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visitors
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
Choice remains constant and then rose up.

In the
first
week, in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visits
to the website, Pop Parade
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
at a rate which is three time more than
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Music
Choice
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but
it
slowly
declined from about 120 thousands to
slightly
below 40
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thounsands
.
However
, it
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started
to skyrocket two day later as it
Did you mean "reaches"?
reach
140 thousand
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visitors
on day eleven,
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albest
it dropped two days later, and peaked at
marginally
over 160 thousands
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visits
at the
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end
of the period.

On the other hand
,
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Music
Choice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visits
, despite a slight rise on the third day, seemed to plateaued in the
first
week with 30 thousands
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visitors
in average.
Nevertheless
, it began to increase
significantly
on day eleven onwards. The figure even surpassed its counterpart on day twelve and
Possible spelling mistake found.
thirdteen
with about 120 thousands and 110 thousands access,
respectively
. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period, it fell about 50 thousands
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
visits
and ended up at 70 thousands.
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IELTS academic amount of visitors to the two different music websites

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
205 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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