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You have learned that a financial organisation in your city gives money as a loan to students who like to take a part-time course. You are interested to do the course and have decided to take a loan. v.1

You have learned that a financial organisation in your city gives money as a loan to students who like to take a part-time course. You are interested to do the course and have decided to take a loan. v. 1
I am writing to inquire about the student loan scheme that your bank grants to aspiring students or professionals to help them finish skill development courses as part-timers. I am a graduate in physics major and would like to apply for the loan. I have earned my bachelor degree from the University of Edinburgh in 2016 and have been working in a local manufacturing company since then as a junior executive. Now I feel that I need advanced computer skills to further my career and better perform in my work field. The skill development course that I am planning to enrol into offers a comprehensive six-month-long curriculum intended to enhance the computing skills of professionals. It includes advanced MS Excel, Database Programming, Computer Aided Design (CAD), and many other aspects that a professional in the manufacturing sector can utilise. As the use of computers and software is predominant in our organisation, I would not be able to perform excellently without the skills this course offers. The database concept and Computer Aided Design (CAD) can help me execute my daily tasks in a more efficient manner. To advance my career, I see no alternatives than to learn those. However, I need financial help as this course is expensive. I am hoping that you would disburse the loan so that I can take the course. I need a loan not more than $3000 and I am willing to repay the monthly instalment incurred from the loan over the next two years. I would really appreciate your consideration and a positive reply. Yours faithfully, Nathan Adam
I am writing to inquire about the student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
scheme that your bank grants to aspiring students or professionals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them finish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
development
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
as part-timers. I am a graduate in physics major and would like to apply for the loan.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
have earned my bachelor degree from the University of Edinburgh in 2016 and have been working in a local manufacturing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
since then as a junior executive.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
I feel that I need advanced computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
further
my career and better perform in my work field.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
development
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
that I am planning to enrol into offers a comprehensive six-month-long curriculum intended to enhance the computing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
of professionals. It includes advanced MS Excel, Database Programming, Computer Aided Design (CAD), and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other aspects that a professional in the manufacturing sector can
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
.

As the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers and software is predominant in our
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
, I would not be able to perform
excellently
without the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
offers. The database concept and Computer Aided Design (CAD) can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me execute my daily tasks in a more efficient manner. To advance my career, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
no alternatives than to learn those.
However
, I need financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
as this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
is expensive.

I am hoping that you would disburse the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I can take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
. I need a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
not more than
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
$3000 and
I am willing to repay the monthly
Possible spelling mistake. 'instalment' is British English.
instalment
incurred from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loan
over the
next
two years.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
would
really
appreciate your consideration and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
reply.

Yours
faithfully
,

Nathan Adam
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS letter You have learned that a financial organisation in your city gives money as a loan to students who like to take a part-time course. You are interested to do the course and have decided to take a loan. v. 1

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
262 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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