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You forget your bag in the gym and the gym management announced that it will be closed for a week for some renovation work. You need your bag as it has important things in it. v.1

You forget your bag in the gym and the gym management announced that it will be closed for a week for some renovation work. You need your bag as it has important things in it. v. 1
Dear Mr Peter, Three days ago I went to your Gold Body Gym and forgot the bag that I placed in cupboard 547. I was ill for the last two days and when I  went to the gym yesterday I was notified that the gym would be closed for a week. I need my bag urgently and I am hoping you will allow me to fetch my bag from the gym. I have been a member of your gymnasium since 2018 and my membership number is 4580. The allocated cabinet that I use regularly is 547. I placed my bag in that closet and forgot it as I hurried to return home on 22nd March 2020. Due to my sickness, I was absent for the next two days and could not retrieve my bag. In relation to the specifics of the bag, it is a brown colour office bag that has my laptop, a few official documents, my credit card and a notebook in it. The bag has three zippers and a flexible handle. Now that I heard that your gym would be closed for at least a week for renovation work, I am a bit worried. As a solution, and because I really need the bag, I am hoping that you would permit me to collect it from the gym sometime tomorrow. Thank you for giving the matter your attention and I hope to hear your reply soon. Yours sincerely, Alex Carey
Dear Mr Peter,

Three days ago I went to your Gold Body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Gym
and forgot the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
that I placed in cupboard 547. I was ill for the last two days and when I
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
went to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
yesterday I
was notified
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
would
be closed
for a week. I need my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
urgently and
I am hoping you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
me to fetch my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
from the gym.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
have been a member of your gymnasium since 2018 and my membership number is 4580. The allocated cabinet that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
regularly
is 547. I placed my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
in that closet and forgot it as I hurried to return home on 22nd March 2020. Due to my sickness, I was absent for the
next
two days and could not retrieve my bag.

In relation to the specifics of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
, it is a brown
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
that has my laptop, a few official documents, my credit card and a notebook in it. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
has three zippers and a flexible handle.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
that I heard that your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
would
be closed
for at least a week for renovation work, I am a bit worried. As a solution, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
really
need the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bag
, I am hoping that you would permit me to collect it from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
sometime tomorrow.

Thank you for giving the matter your attention and I hope to hear your reply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

Yours
sincerely
,

Alex Carey
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS letter You forget your bag in the gym and the gym management announced that it will be closed for a week for some renovation work. You need your bag as it has important things in it. v. 1

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
242 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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