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You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase, it has stopped working. You have spoken to the company representative a week ago but it has still not been repaired. v.1

You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase, it has stopped working. You have spoken to the company representative a week ago but it has still not been repaired. v. 1
Two weeks ago I purchased a brand new mobile phone from your shop. I was excited to have purchased it but very disappointed to find that the phone was poorly produced and stopped working within a week of purchase. I have talked to one of your representatives over the phone twice but nothing has been done so far. I am hoping you will replace it immediately. In relation to the specifics of the order, I purchased this mobile phone from your Davidsons Avenue store on September 23rd and it was a cash purchase. The model of the mobile phone is OnePlus 6 and it comes with a 6. 28 inches display, Android 8. 1 (Oreo) OS, 16 Megapixel camera, 6 GB RAM and Octa-core processor. The order number is 25789652 and I am attaching a copy of my receipt. The issue with the phone is that I am unable to start it even after the phone is fully charged. It is dead and unusable for me.   I’m sure this is a manufacturing flaw and I am entitled to get a new phone as a replacement according to the warranty policy. Despite my communication with one of your representatives a week ago, nothing has been done and I seriously doubt the after-sale service you provide. As a solution, and because I really like the functionality and features of this phone, I am hoping that you will agree to replace it with a new one immediately. Otherwise, I would like a full refund and I will be contacting the Bureau of Consumer Protection if I do not hear back from you in regards to this within a week. Thank you for giving the matter your attention and I hope to hear your reply soon. Yours faithfully, David Miller
Two weeks ago I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
a brand new mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
from your shop. I
was excited
to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
disappointed to find that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
was
poorly
produced and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
working within a week of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. I have talked to one of your representatives over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nothing has
been done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am hoping you will replace it immediately.

In relation to the specifics of the order, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
this mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
from your
Possible spelling mistake found.
Davidsons
Avenue store on September 23rd and it was a cash
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
. The model of the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is
Possible spelling mistake found.
OnePlus
6 and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a 6.
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
28 inches
display, Android 8. 1 (Oreo) OS, 16 Megapixel camera, 6 GB RAM and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Octa-core
processor. The order number is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
25789652 and
I am attaching a copy of my receipt.

The issue with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is that I am unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
it even after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
is
fully
charged. It is dead and unusable for me.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
I’m sure this is a manufacturing
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
flaw and
I
am entitled
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
as a replacement according to the warranty policy. Despite my communication with one of your representatives a week ago, nothing has
been done
and I
seriously
doubt the after-sale service you provide.

As a solution, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
really
like the functionality and features of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
, I am hoping that you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to replace it with a new one immediately.
Otherwise
, I would like a full refund and I will be contacting the Bureau of Consumer Protection if I do not hear back from you
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
in regards to
this within a week.

Thank you for giving the matter your attention and I hope to hear your reply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.

Yours
faithfully
,

David Miller
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS letter You have bought a new mobile phone and in a few days of purchase, it has stopped working. You have spoken to the company representative a week ago but it has still not been repaired. v. 1

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
296 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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