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You are organising a graduation party for your class and you want to book a restaurant. v.2

You are organising a graduation party for your class and you want to book a restaurant. v. 2
Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to reserve the party hall at your restaurant - California Inn in North Street, London, on the evening of 14th November. I have recently graduated from Loyola High School and intend to book your place for a graduation party we are planning to organise. I am hoping that you would provide me with some details and help me book the hall. The graduation party, as the name implies, is meant for the mushrooming young minds passing out of our high schools this year. As a new graduate and the organizer of the function, I need to make sure the party goes well. As of now, we are flexible with the date as per the availability of the restaurant but would insist on dates from 22nd to 25th of this month. We plan an overnight party starting from 20. 00 hrs to 5. 00 hrs next day. Now, I reckon it is imperative to mention that our high school is multicultural in nature and hence a streamlining on the food menu would be impossible. As the convener, I would suggest you include food items like pasta, rice, roasted chicken, burgers, mutton and sandwiches which are globally well accorded. Please note that a few vegetarians would be among us, so I would also request something special, from your end to their delight. We will be around fifty people all together and hope to enjoy a memorable event held with high regards at your restaurant. Finally, let me know the approximate cost and availability of your establishment as early as possible. In anticipation of a prompt reply to facilitate further. Yours faithfully, Alfred Jones
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to reserve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
hall at your restaurant
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
California Inn in North Street, London, on the evening of 14th November. I have recently graduated from Loyola
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
High
School and intend to book your place for a graduation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
we are planning to
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
am hoping that you would provide me with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me book the hall.

The graduation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
, as the name implies,
is meant
for the mushrooming young minds passing out of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
schools this year. As a new graduate and the organizer of the function, I need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
goes well. As of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, we are flexible with the date as per the availability of the restaurant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
would insist on dates from 22nd to 25th of this month. We plan an overnight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
party
starting from 20. 00 hrs to 5. 00 hrs
next
day.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, I reckon it is imperative to mention that our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school is multicultural in nature and
hence
a streamlining on the food menu would be impossible. As the convener, I would suggest you include food items like pasta, rice, roasted chicken, burgers, mutton and sandwiches which are globally well accorded.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Please
note that a few vegetarians would be among us,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
I would
also
request something special, from your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to their delight.

We will be around fifty
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
all together and hope to enjoy a memorable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
held with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
regards at your restaurant.
Finally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me know the approximate cost and availability of your establishment as early as possible.

In anticipation of a prompt reply to facilitate
further
.

Yours
faithfully
,

Alfred Jones
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS letter You are organising a graduation party for your class and you want to book a restaurant. v. 2

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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