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You are interested in applying for a scholarship program to study at a foreign university. v.2

You are interested in applying for a scholarship program to study at a foreign university. v. 2
I have recently completed my graduation from the Singapore University of Technology and Design and my major was Engineering Systems and Design. I am writing to get the details about the scholarship program that your university offers as I am really interested to complete my Master's degree from your university. I would like to pursue my Master's degree at the Loughborough University and I am looking forward to getting a scholarship in the faculty of Engineering System and Design. As I want to build a career in the Engineering sector, I would like to complete my Master's degree in the same faculty that I did for my graduation. I am convinced that doing the post-graduation at the Loughborough University would be an excellent decision for me as the university offers the opportunity to study a subject to an advanced level, develop personal and professional skills, and it is one of the best universities in the UK. The 440-acre single-site campus offers great facilities for students, staff and gives every student the opportunity they need to achieve their full potential. I would be very proud to be a part of this glorious university. I want to continue my Master's course in Engineering Systems and would be able to do so only if I am granted a scholarship as I come from a middle-class family. My Engineering Systems and Design graduation course had 138 credits in total and I achieve CGPA 3. 89 out of 4. 0. I have part-time job experience in the Engineering design field and I believe I can prove my competency for the scholarship provided that I get an opportunity. I look forward to your reply and would really appreciate your guidance regarding this. Yours faithfully, Lee Gordon
I have recently completed my graduation from the Singapore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
of Technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Design
and my major was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Systems
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Design
. I am writing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scholarship
program that your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
offers as I am
really
interested to complete my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Master's
degree from your university.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
would like to pursue my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Master's
degree at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Loughborough
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
University and
I am looking forward to getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scholarship
in the faculty of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
System
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Design
. As I want to build a career in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineering
sector, I would like to complete my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Master's
degree in the same faculty that I did for my graduation.

I
am convinced
that doing the post-graduation at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Loughborough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
University
would be an excellent decision for me as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
offers the opportunity to study a subject to an advanced level, develop personal and professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, and it is one of the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in the UK. The 440-acre single-site campus offers great facilities for students, staff and gives every student the opportunity they need to achieve their full potential. I would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
proud to be a part of this glorious university.

I want to continue my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Master's
course in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Systems
and would be able to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if I
am granted
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scholarship
as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from a middle-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
family. My
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Systems
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Design
graduation course had 138 credits in total and I achieve CGPA 3. 89 out of 4. 0. I have part-time
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "jobbed".
job
experience in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
design
field and I believe I can prove my competency for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scholarship
provided that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an opportunity.

I look forward to your reply and would
really
appreciate your guidance regarding this.

Yours
faithfully
,

Lee Gordon
0Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS letter You are interested in applying for a scholarship program to study at a foreign university. v. 2

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
289 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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