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You are a college student in an English speaking country. You share a rented apartment with others but want to move to the college accommodation instead. v.2

You are a college student in an English speaking country. You share a rented apartment with others but want to move to the college accommodation instead. v. 2
Dear Sir/Madam, I am a Science major sophomore in your college. I am originally from Brazil and my student ID number is S2-5487. I would like to request you to arrange suitable accommodation for me in the college hostel as my current housing arrangement is utterly inconvenient and rather expensive. I came to the UK last year and have stayed with a relative for around six months before moving to a private accommodation with a Russain family. I applied for a hostel room to the college authority before moving to the private accommodation but did not get one as a fresher, which I guess is no longer applicable to me. Regrettably, I am having unendurable inconveniences at my current residing arrangement. The traffic kills more than 3 hours per day and I can barely manage my time to study for the exams. The family I live with has frequent guests and parties. I have little privacy there and would like to be near the college to save the time spent on the road. Moreover, being at the heart of the college would allow me to have better interaction with teachers and my classmates. Finally, this would be more pocket-friendly for me. I, hereby, request you to allow me a single room at the college hostel as soon as possible. I would be much obliged. Yours faithfully, Lucas Libra
Dear Sir/Madam,

I am a Science major sophomore in your college. I am
originally
from Brazil and my student ID number is S2-5487.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
would like to request you to arrange suitable accommodation for me in the college hostel as my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
housing arrangement is
utterly
inconvenient and
rather
expensive.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
came to the UK last year and have stayed with a relative for around six months
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
moving to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "private accommodation".
a private accommodation
with a
Possible spelling mistake found.
Russain
family.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
applied for a hostel room to the college authority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
moving to the private accommodation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
one as a fresher, which I guess is no longer applicable to me.

Regrettably
, I am having unendurable inconveniences at my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
residing arrangement. The traffic kills more than 3 hours per day and I can
barely
manage my time to study for the exams. The family I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with has frequent guests and parties. I have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
privacy there and would like to be near the college to save the time spent on the road.
Moreover
, being at the heart of the college would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
me to have better interaction with teachers and my classmates.
Finally
, this would be more pocket-friendly for me.

I, hereby, request you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
me a single room at the college hostel as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. I would be much obliged.

Yours
faithfully
,

Lucas Libra
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS letter You are a college student in an English speaking country. You share a rented apartment with others but want to move to the college accommodation instead. v. 2

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
227 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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